Yearly Relationship Check-In: 12 Questions to Ask
It's a Tuesday night. You and your partner are on the couch, half-watching something neither of you chose. There's no fight brewing, no tension hanging in the air — just a quiet sense that you've been running on autopilot for a while. You love each other. But when was the last time you actually talked about how things are going between you?
Most couples don't have a framework for that conversation. They wait until something breaks — a blowout argument, a slow drift, a resentment that's been composting for months — before they sit down and really check in. A yearly relationship check-in flips that script. It's a deliberate, low-pressure conversation designed to surface what's working, what's not, and what you both want from the year ahead. Think of it as preventive maintenance for the most important partnership in your life.
Below, you'll find 12 questions organized into four categories. None of them are trick questions. All of them are worth your honest answers.
Key Takeaways
- Schedule your yearly relationship check-in when you're both rested and emotionally available — not during stress, hunger, or time pressure — and agree on a format (taking turns, writing answers first, etc.) before you begin.
- Ask about unresolved hurts from the past year early in the conversation so lingering resentments get acknowledged before they calcify into bigger conflicts.
- Use the question about recurring arguments to identify the deeper emotional need underneath the surface issue, since repeated fights are almost never about the thing you think they're about.
- Write down 2–3 concrete takeaways after your check-in and schedule a brief 15-minute follow-up in three months to keep accountability alive without overwhelming yourselves.
- Revisit how each partner needs to feel loved every year, because love languages and emotional needs shift over time with life changes, stress, and personal growth.
Why a Yearly Relationship Check-In Matters
Let's be clear about what this isn't: it's not couples therapy (though it pairs well with it). It's not a performance review. And it's definitely not a trap where one partner ambushes the other with a list of grievances.
A yearly relationship check-in is a ritual — a scheduled time when both partners agree to be curious about the state of their relationship. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that couples who turn toward each other's bids for connection and maintain awareness of each other's inner worlds build stronger, longer-lasting bonds. A structured annual conversation is one way to practice both.
Here's why it works, especially for couples who want to prevent recurring arguments:
- It catches small issues before they calcify. The thing that mildly bothered you in March can become the thing you explode about in November. A check-in gives those smaller frustrations a safe landing spot.
- It creates a pattern of intentional dialogue. When you know this conversation is coming every year, you start paying attention to what you want to bring up — which means you're reflecting on the relationship more often, not less.
- It normalizes talking about the relationship itself. For many couples, meta-conversations about the relationship only happen during conflict. A check-in decouples reflection from crisis.
How to Set Up Your Check-In
Before diving into the questions, a few ground rules that make the conversation safer and more productive:
Choose the Right Time and Place
Don't do this when you're hungry, exhausted, or 20 minutes before the in-laws arrive. Pick a time when you're both reasonably rested and emotionally available. Some couples like a quiet evening at home. Others prefer a long walk or a weekend morning at a café — somewhere that feels slightly outside the routine.
Agree on the Format
Will you take turns answering each question? Will you each write answers beforehand and then share? There's no wrong approach, but agreeing on structure ahead of time prevents the conversation from going off the rails. Some couples find it helpful to write down key agreements or realizations so they can revisit them later — tools like Servanda can help formalize those shared commitments so they don't get lost in the shuffle of daily life.
Set a Ground Rule: Curiosity Over Criticism
The goal is understanding, not winning. If your partner shares something that stings, your job in that moment is to listen and ask follow-up questions — not to defend or counter-attack. You'll get your turn.
The 12 Questions: Organized by Theme
Part 1: Reflecting on the Past Year
These questions look backward. They help you both acknowledge what happened — the growth, the struggles, and the moments that mattered.
1. "What's one moment from this past year where you felt closest to me?"
This question does something subtle: it reminds you both that connection happened, even if the year was hard. Listen carefully to what your partner names. It might not be what you'd expect.
For example, one partner might say the weekend getaway in June. The other might say the night they cried about their job and felt truly heard. Both answers are data about what makes each person feel loved.
2. "What's something I did this year that hurt you — that we maybe never fully resolved?"
This is the brave question. It invites your partner to surface something that might still be sitting in the background. The key here is not to fix it on the spot — just to hear it and acknowledge it. You can decide together if it needs a longer conversation.
3. "What's something you're proud of us for this year?"
Couples rarely celebrate their joint accomplishments. Maybe you navigated a move, survived a difficult season with a family member, or simply kept showing up for each other during a monotonous stretch. Name it. Let it count.
Part 2: Emotional and Physical Intimacy
These questions address the connective tissue of your relationship. They require vulnerability, which is exactly the point.
4. "Do you feel emotionally safe with me right now? Is there anything that makes that harder?"
Emotional safety is the foundation everything else rests on. If your partner hesitates, that's not a failure — it's an invitation to understand what they need. Maybe they feel safe in most areas but not when it comes to talking about money. Maybe they've been holding back opinions because past disagreements felt punishing.
5. "How are you feeling about our physical intimacy — and what would you want more or less of?"
Physical intimacy evolves. Bodies change, stress levels shift, desire fluctuates. This question works best when both partners approach it without defensiveness. It's not "you never" or "why don't we" — it's "here's where I am, where are you?"
6. "Is there something you've wanted to tell me but haven't found the right time?"
This open-ended question can surface anything from a career dream to a lingering worry to a simple "I miss when we used to cook together on Sundays." Give it space. Don't rush to respond.
Part 3: Logistics, Roles, and Recurring Friction
Romantic love gets the poetry, but shared logistics cause a disproportionate number of arguments. These questions address the operational side of your partnership.
7. "Is there an area where our division of responsibilities feels unbalanced to you?"
This covers household tasks, childcare, emotional labor, financial management — all of it. The question isn't "do you do enough?" It's "does the way we've divided things still work for both of us?" Circumstances change. A split that felt fair two years ago might not fit your current lives.
Consider Mark and Dina (names changed). During their check-in, Dina mentioned she'd taken over all the meal planning when Mark switched to a demanding new role — but that was 18 months ago, and his schedule had eased. Neither had revisited the arrangement. A simple rebalance prevented what was becoming a slow-burning resentment.
8. "What's a recurring argument we keep having — and what do you think it's really about?"
This is one of the most powerful yearly relationship check-in questions you can ask. Recurring arguments are almost never about the surface issue. The fight about the dishes is about feeling unseen. The fight about spending is about differing values around security. Naming the deeper pattern together is the first step toward breaking it.
9. "Are there any agreements or boundaries we should update?"
Maybe you agreed to alternate holidays with families, but it's no longer working. Maybe a boundary around work hours or phone use needs revisiting. Relationships aren't static contracts — they need periodic amendments.
Part 4: Looking Ahead
These final questions turn the camera forward. They build anticipation and shared purpose.
10. "What's one personal goal you have for this coming year — and how can I support you?"
This question honors the fact that you're two separate people choosing to build a life together. Supporting your partner's individual growth isn't a threat to the relationship — it's fuel for it.
11. "What's one thing you'd love for us to experience or accomplish together this year?"
It can be as grand as an international trip or as simple as starting a weekly date night. What matters is that you're co-creating something to look forward to, which counteracts the autopilot drift that erodes many long-term relationships.
12. "What does feeling loved look like for you right now — and has that changed?"
The way someone needs to feel loved isn't fixed. A partner who once valued quality time above all else might now crave words of affirmation after a year of self-doubt. Asking this question annually keeps you calibrated to the person your partner is now, not the person they were when you first fell in love.
What to Do After the Check-In
The conversation itself is valuable, but what happens afterward determines whether it creates lasting change. A few suggestions:
- Write down 2-3 concrete takeaways. Not a 40-point action plan. Just the most important things you each heard and what you want to do differently.
- Schedule a brief follow-up. Set a reminder for 3 months out. A 15-minute check-in over coffee to ask "How are we doing on the things we talked about?" keeps the momentum alive.
- Don't try to fix everything at once. If the conversation surfaced something big — a deep hurt, a fundamental disagreement about the future — give it room. Some things need multiple conversations, or the support of a therapist, to work through fully.
- Revisit your notes next year. One of the most meaningful parts of an annual check-in is tracking change over time. Next year, you'll be able to see what shifted, what improved, and what still needs attention.
Conclusion
A yearly relationship check-in isn't about finding problems — it's about staying connected to the person you've chosen to do life with. These 12 questions give you a starting point: a way to look back honestly, examine the present without blame, and plan ahead with shared intention. The couples who thrive over decades aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who keep choosing to be curious about each other, even when it's uncomfortable. Block off an evening this week, pour something warm, and start with question one. You don't need a perfect relationship to have this conversation — you just need a willing one.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a yearly relationship check-in and how is it different from couples therapy?
A yearly relationship check-in is a structured, low-pressure conversation where both partners deliberately reflect on the state of their relationship — what's working, what's not, and what they want going forward. Unlike couples therapy, it doesn't require a therapist and is designed as preventive maintenance rather than crisis intervention, though it pairs well with therapy if you're already in it.
When is the best time to do an annual relationship check-in?
The best time is when both partners are reasonably rested, fed, and emotionally available — not during a stressful moment or right before an obligation. Many couples choose a quiet weekend morning, a long walk, or even a date night at a café where the setting feels slightly outside your daily routine.
What should we do if the check-in surfaces a really big issue we can't resolve?
Don't try to fix everything in one sitting — some issues need multiple conversations or the support of a professional therapist to work through fully. Acknowledge the issue together, write it down as a takeaway, and agree on a next step, whether that's scheduling a deeper conversation or booking a session with a couples counselor.
How do you bring up a yearly relationship check-in without making your partner feel like something is wrong?
Frame it as something positive and forward-looking rather than problem-focused — explain that you want to celebrate what's going well and stay intentional about your relationship, not that you have a list of complaints. Sharing the specific questions ahead of time can also ease anxiety and show your partner that the conversation is collaborative, not confrontational.
Can you do a relationship check-in more than once a year?
Absolutely — many couples benefit from a shorter quarterly or even monthly mini check-in alongside the deeper annual conversation. A brief 15-minute follow-up every few months helps maintain momentum on the commitments you made and keeps small issues from piling up between yearly conversations.
